Trick-or-Treating for a New Job
The treat may be different, but the trick is to follow the same rules

By Jon Horowitz

Apples with razor blades. Candy bars riddled with sewing pins. Individual sticks of gum. Stale peanut chews. Canadian pennies.

These were some of the dreaded goodies I'd find in my pillowcase upon returning from a marathon trick-or-treat session. Eight hours' work and all I had to show for it was one regular-size Butterfinger, a few choice "Snack Size" treats, an overload of Smarties and Pixie Stix, too much Dubble Bubble, and a dollar and eight cents in change.

If you're finding that your pay after an eight-hour workday isn't much better, perhaps you've been tricked, too.

That's because you've been trick-or-treating for the right job in all the wrong places.

Attacking the job hunt is quite similar to successfully scouring your neighborhood for the perfect plundering of candy on All Hallow's Eve.

1. Map out a plan. That first time you were allowed to go trick-or-treating sans parental units was perhaps the first true taste of sugary sweet freedom you felt. Problem is, without Mom and Pop's guidance, the neighborhood can be quite large. Going house to house sure can get your costume in front of a lot of doors, but who knows what tainted treats and luring strangers lurk out there. Entering the job market can be just as ghoulish. Blindly trick-or-treating on every job search engine sure can get your resume in front of a lot of HR departments, but all that work will yield plenty of slammed and unopened doors. Think about the times when trick-or-treating was more successful -- when your parents told you whose houses to go to. Getting a reference or heads up in to an actual person when applying for a job will open a lot more doors, and may even yield some top-notch sweets.

2. The right costume. Wearing a generic, plastic, store-bought Chewbacca costume that says "Chewbacca" on the shirt isn't going to excite those giving out candy. Sure, it's effective as a costume and it will get you some standard treats, but it doesn't roar out who you really are. But go out of your way to create a uniquely brilliant costume (perhaps a homemade Frankenberry get-up) and the candy givers will surely take notice. And your pals will surely be jealous. Same goes for your resume. Turn in a cookie-cutter resume, and it will quickly go stale sitting atop a mound of similar resumes. But making it stand out (and no, we don't mean dressing it up in shades of pink!) with a fresh design and clear, concise writing, and you may just masquerade your way into an interview.

3. Be careful what you eat. Just because it looks like an apple, smells like an apple and feels like an apple, doesn't mean you should eat it. Note where the apple came from. Check for thin slice marks and holes. Feel around for strange residue. Because when you realize that apple came from the house at the dead end of Shady Oak Lane, you'll think twice about taking a bite. Many job offers and interview opportunities are equally enticing. But be wary of the oh-too-quick response to your application, the job promising a salary or benefits that sound way too good, the unknown company name, the interview location in a wooded area … Research the company. Read the fine print.

4. Don't cause any mischief. Upon receiving a razor-blade-riddled pear or a tube of toothpaste as your treat, you may find the sudden urge to retaliate. Don't throw the pear at their door. Don't squirt toothpaste in their mailbox or on their doorknobs. Funny as it may sound, the immaturity may come back to bite you in the ass, and with more bite than the pear ever got. Word-of-mouth is quite strong in the sphere of neighborhood gossip. While it may be easy for you to label the sweet little old lady who gave you the toothpaste the antichrist, it's just as easy for her to label you the same. And coming from her -- with her years in the neighborhood and widespread connections -- your toothpaste-smearing punkass is going down. So if a big company somehow screws you out of a job or never responds after you've been on four interviews, don't smear their name. They've got a lot more influence, and a lot more toothpaste.

Jon Horowitz also suggests never going through with the last line suggested in the jingle, "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear."