Happy Holiday?
The impersonal use of personal holidays

By Cholntz E. McGee

Until Cholntz Day becomes a national holiday, I am not taking a personal holiday.

I thought, being a mildly good Christian, I'd be able to take Good Friday off. It is a holiday after all. But it's not one of the sacred holidays. I beg to differ, but I'm not the one who makes the call. That's up to Captain Funpants over in human resources. Talk about a guy who needs a holiday.

He has determined that the sacred holidays include New Year's Day (but not New Year's Eve), President's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas (but certainly not Christmas Eve). Seven days out of 365 are official company-recognized holidays. The other 358, regardless of what's going on in the world of religion, government or social action, are days that should be spent toiling in the office. Or, be used as personal holidays (but you only get two of those to spend all year).

So let's see what didn't make the cut. The most controversial, of course, is Martin Luther King Jr. Day not making the list. Why should we not take a day off to reflect on our country's most noted civil rights leader? Apparently, it's because company policy notes that no company holidays reflect the celebration of one individual. President's Day is not a celebration of the current dweller of the Oval Office, but rather of all men who have held that office. The greats, like Abraham Lincoln and Rutherford B. Hayes. Really, though, it's a day for us to realize that in the past 217 years, 42 people have done a better job than our current fearless leader.

But isn't Christmas the celebration of one person -- you know, little baby Jesus? Wrong again. The good people of Hallmark and South Park have made it clear that Christmas is also about Santa.

There's no shadow of a doubt that we have to work on Groundhog Day, the only national day set aside to worship a small woodland creature. In fact, on this day, high school and college students are actually shuttled into our office to "shadow" us at our workstations. So now on top of doing my job, I've gotta baby-sit Beavis and Butthead. For no extra pay.

Also missing from our holiday list is Valentine's Day. I'm quite glad we have to come to work for this. There's nothing quite like watching people get embarrassed with flower and balloon deliveries and singing telegrams performed by a guy in a gorilla suit.

Now, omitting St. Patrick's Day is a sin for someone with my last name, but honestly, any excuse (work, in this case) to not drink green beer for 17 hours straight is probably a healthy choice.

On April Fool's Day, the joke is on us. And rarely can we get away with a good prank in the office. As previously mentioned, Good Friday turns bad, and there's no such thing as Easter Monday. Passover is also not recognized by the company as having enough significance to warrant halting business. Cinco de Mayo, at our workplace, sadly, is looked at as St. Patrick's Day for Mexicans. Flag Day has about as much significance as the flag itself. Columbus Day falls under the "no celebrating individual achievements" rule. On Halloween, the only trick-or-treating we're entitled to is going from cubicle to cubicle asking for extra office supplies. Makes you wish you got an apple with a razor blade inside. On Election Day, the office is open, making it even more difficult to find time to vote. Veteran's Day is also not a day off. According to HR, "That stuff is covered by Memorial Day." Not having the Friday after Thanksgiving off is absurd. Who's expected to have the mental capacity to work when gallons of triptophan are pumping through their veins? This, by survey, is the most used day for personal holidays.

As for the big three religious holidays around December, only that one day for Xmas is granted. In fact, with all the different religions represented in our office and the myriad of religious holidays that could be celebrated, only dear old Christmas is considered important enough for all to take the day off. There's no option for co-workers of different faiths to work on Christmas but take off a different holiday.

I'm still left to decide how to spend my two wonderful personal holidays. Day after Thanksgiving? New Year's Eve? Christmas Eve? St. Patty's Day? My birthday? Or maybe that perfect spring day? I just know that even if I make great strides in social justice and a national day of observance is created in my honor, I won't have the ability to take that day off with my colleagues. But then again, if that day gets named for me, will I really be working as a 9-to-5 cubicle dweller? Probably.

Cholntz E. McGee is looking forward to a very magical Arbor Day.